volume one of our new and exclusive agony aunt column by queen of transexual memes, czech hunter schafer
“The best advice is found not in the pages of ancient books, nor in the sermons of venerated priests, but in the yap circles of girls in gay bar toilet cubicles. Barring that, estrogenated micro-influencers are pretty slay too.” – an ancient transexual proverb.
such wisdom echoes through the first edition of our new agony aunt column, written by voice of a generation @czech.hunter.schafer. if you want to be gifted such transcendant advise, ask your burning via this link. Provide as much detail as you desire! All answers will remain anonymous.
Dear Bukayo Saka (AKA North London Trans Man),
First of all, let me applaud you for embracing the spirit of Christmas! By which of course I mean both in the Good Will to All Men kinda way, and the real spirit of Christmas: Miss Mariah Carey, who loves to build a good bridge, girl.
However, let me immediately snatch BACK that applause, as I would expect a fellow member of the alphabet mafia to know better than to expect a transexual woman to meet a deadline.
Alas, Christmas has been and gone, as has Hannukah, and Ramadan, meaning there is probably a white non-binary person living in Hackney Wick who has celebrated all 3 major Abrahamic religious holidays before I even submitted the first draft of this article to answer your (now unfortunately dated) question. Sorry to this man.
*Note to editor: if czech.hunter.schafer misses her deadline again and this article’s release date goes full circle to Christmas
2025, please replace the above paragraph with something that the divas will enjoy, such as the lyrics to Butterfly by Mariah Carey (her best bridge), or a picture of Paul Mescal in his slutty little shorts – sincerely, CHS Enterprises.
While you may have missed the opportunity to buy her a secret santa gift, maybe you could get her something for an upcoming holiday that she celebrates. Judging from your description of this woman (middle aged, wears a crocheted poppy, hates trannies), perhaps prepare her a gift ahead of the next Conservative Party Conference. Alternatively, Debenhams has a sale on now for dowdy, old maiden type of shoes. I haven’t checked, but they will, that’s all they do.
If thats all a bit too formal, I’ve heard that a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon pairs wonderfully with a midnight rage post on Mumsnet about the horrors of transexualism. (Yes, Hannah Crosbie, I’m coming for your gig, girl.)
Incidentally, the Doctor of Yaponomics, Jordan Peterson – or as I call him: J.K. Rowling if she was voiced by Kermit the Frog and played by Keith Carradine (post-autoerotic asphyxiation) – once argued against trans rights due to the myriad imaginary ways he concocted (no doubt on one of his many benzo benders) that we complicate the work place. But what’s more cisgender than both hating your head of HR, and trying to butter her up in some way so that she doesn’t fire you Because of Woke??
Before I send you off to slay this particular dragon, here’s a short list of things to avoid in order to not instigate the aforementioned terf any further:
• Do not dress in any way that could be considered political, or god forbid, faggy. Throw away the tote unless it has some cringey slogan like “the witches they forgot to burn” or “I joined LGB Alliance and all I got was this bag” (definitely do not add “and these divorce papers from my wife and the hatred of my children” with a marker pen). Stick to greys, beiges, wools, and cottons. If the fabric itself looks as though it itches, you’re on the right track.
• Avoid speaking of anything Woke. This includes, but is not limited to, the following: politics, gender studies, colonialism, post colonialism, media, social media, history, the news, literature (exceptions made for Harry Potter and the wider works of Robert Galbraith), art, music, fashion, theatre, or anything which has ever been associated with homosexuals for that matter. When in doubt, stay quiet. To the terf, silence is far preferable to anything messy like dialogue or conversation. If the silence gets too much, practice this Get Out Of Jail Free phrase, which will work in all scenarios: “did you watch Taskmaster last night? Yes, I much prefer the first seasons before it got all political.”
• Finally, these probably won’t work, so when in doubt, you can always detransition and start tweeting about how you were just smol bean, tricked by the scary wokerati. This option comes with the added benefits of a guaranteed book deal and media career!
Best of luck, Diva <3
Yours cuntily,
CHS
Dear Baby Diva,
On behalf of everyone here at the doll hive mind, I want to welcome you to the fun lifetime of serving cunt at the expense of a lifetime of cis male privilege. On your left, you will find annoying tenderqueers who can’t take a joke. On the right, equally annoying fslurs, tslurs, and occasional dslurs, who don’t know when the jokes gone too far. Please enjoy your flight, and remember- the smoking is full and stay away from Tina.
Jk, it’s actually very fab being a diva! I went to a rough east end boys school and even shaved my head and grew a denial beard in an ill fated attempt to give trade at one point. It happens to the best of us! I’m sure you know that it doesn’t matter where the journey begins, all that matters is that you follow me on Instagram <3
I cant answer your question with an exhaustive list as every diva is different, but here’s 3 things that have lately been helping me Radiate Trans Joy (TM PinkNews):
• If you get sad, play City Girls and twerk it out. Alternatively, play Lana Del Rey and sad girl it out. Either way, music is healing, mama.
• Community is the tea. It needn’t be the shady gay bars I post about relentlessly, although they are my personal fave. Insert shameless plug here for my upcoming nights: Mums Against Donk @ Egg (16/05/25), and Dench @ TKL (17/05/25). It’s also cute to just kiki with the dolls in all settings. For example, outside of occupying various kitchens around east london until the early hours, I’m also part of a weekly dungeons and dragons group with a pack of feral transexuals. Yes, I contain multitudes. You haven’t lived until you’ve conquered an orcish settlement through seducing their trade with your elven harlot ways. Basically: find your space with your girls and nurture it.
• Being out in the world is scary, but it’s important. I say this as the prime enczechlopia britrannica example of “terminally online.” Touch grass, spend days walking without your head phones in, be part of the world, and don’t let online rot ur brain. AVOID doomscrolling and *those* online forums that I won’t even mention.
Above all though, you’ve got this. Every new diva is a needed diva.
Yours cuntily,
CHS